Stalder! Watch what you're doing!
Now what?
While our parents spent hours
debating the value
of the village church,
we were obliged to wait
until the chicken would give up
Wrigley's ball bearings in a natural way.
I was of course handed the thankless job
of keeping an eye on Bäschteli.
Hello.
I'm Bäschteli from Berne.
I have to phone my mother.
Help!
Am I glad you're still alive.
I thought I was a goner.
You're pretty smelly.
Eugen, you're my buddy, right?
Sure I'm your buddy.
What funny business are you up to?
Well, I... - Did you run away?
Bäschteli saved my life.
Bullshit.
He did. My legs went to sleep
so I took a walk in this meadow.
And suddenly this bull went for me.
Bull indeed.
A real monster.
He'd almost gored me with his horns
when Bäschteli appears with a cloth,
yelling. The bull sees him
and charges.
Bäschteli runs around this corner
and leaps into this cesspit.
The bull can't stop and - splash!
At full tilt.
Bäschteli's a hero.
Bullshit. And where's the bull?
In the cesspit, of course.
Great. It would pass inspection as it is.
Are the lights moving?
Moving? No!
But they're shining.
They're supposed to move!
It is a major innovation!
The lights shine around the bend
so you see what's coming.
The way you drive around bends
even a candle would do.
I've had it! First you bang up
my Citroen, then you're broke,
so I have to pay for that church clock
that was no doubt ruined by your son.
Now shut up the both of you!
We'd like to sleep.
Let's write up an accident report.
Okay, let's write it.
Which of you three fugitive scoundrels
will join the pact that I propose,
here, this night,
in the heart of Switzerland?
I will. - I will. - I will.
We'll stand united as a people of brats.
We won't let necessity tear us asunder.
We shall be cheekier
than our fathers would allow.
We'd rather go hungry than miss a prank.
That night Bäschteli became one of us.
And then there was another miracle...
Something must have happened to Bäschteli
The working classes have never managed
to turn up on time.
Let's get started. - Sorry,
but I can't take a statement
until all the parents are here.
Can't you see that my wife is unwell?
Take down his description at least!
Okay. Show me a photograph
if you have one here.
They're all a month old.
His first day with the scouts.
What's the matter? Need a can opener
to pry her out of that box?
The door's stuck! - You're stuck up!
Are you Mr. Ramseier senior?
The father of Eduard Ramseier?
That would be me.
No, Edi's at the scouts' camp.
No, he's not there.
I'll have to ask my wife.
Wife! When was Eduard born?
Must have been...
between Martin and little Rita...
1950, August 30th.
August 30th, 1950.
I think. - She thinks.
We don't need that.
Edi's bound to turn up.
He's always managed to find his way home.
Mr. Ramseier won't report his son
as missing: Edi will find his way home.
That's what I think.
They must have at least 5 children.
All we have is Bäschteli.
I don't give a damn what you think.
I want you to start a search
for my son.
Or should I tell my local government
friends about your incompetence?
Do the rest of you agree?
Right. I'll notify the police
at Wassen, Gurtnellen
and Hospental. - No.
You don't understand.
Turning over a few stones isn't enough.
I want a full-scale search
between here and Berne.
APB's, roadblocks and, if necessary,
army support!
Now do you understand?
Yessir!
And now I'll ring Hans Ringier.
It'll be in all the papers tomorrow.
Hello?
I have no money for you.
I'd like to know
if you know Fritzli Bühler.
Do I look like a phone book?
I've found him!
Not a palace for the King of Rascals.
That's just a cover.
Oh, well. There's no way around it.
We'll have to abduct him.
Do you think
we can just wait here
for the King of Rascals and say:
"Hi, King, we're rascals, too."
He'd take us for sissies.
So you "abduck" him?
Exactly. - What does that mean?
We show him we are masters of the prank.
Now!
Hit him!
Right, Fritzli Bühler.
Now you know once and for all:
You're not
dealing with sissies!
No, don't! We won't hurt you!
We're looking for Fritzli Bühler.
I'm Franz.
That's Eduard... Eugen...
and Bäschteli.
From Berne.
What do you want from my father?
Fritzli Bühler? A daughter?
Anything wrong with that?
No. But why did he never mention you
to Auntie Melanie? - Auntie Eliane?
No, Melanie.
In Berne, where Fritzli used to live.
My father's always lived in Zurich.
Let's go. - But Fritzli Bühler...
It's the wrong one!
What's going on here?
What did you do to her?
We're just playing cowboys and Indians.
Stop!
Hands up!
What tribe do these redskins belong to?
These are my friends from the Emmental.
They sang with the Langnau boys' choir.
Franz, Eugen,
Eduard and Bäschteli.
Emmental. - Emmental.
A hearty appetite, have a Swiss bite.
The dear Lord must have put something
into the rain.
Eduard - of all people - and Wrigley
couldn't eat a bite
and kept staring at the girl
as if she were a shiny new toy.
Aren't you hungry?
I'm not a big eater.
Me too. Me neither.
No!
Later, Wrigley didn't think up a new plan
for finding the real Fritzli Bühler
or watch the soccer game with us.
No, he disappeared for an eternity
and came back with a soggy note.
"Fritzli Bühler's daughter is a maid
that my heart to waste has laid
You beautiful Indian princess
have knocked me out. I'm a mess.
Oh, tell me, can you spare a glance
and a kiss for a boy named Franz?"
Never had I seen Wrigley so sad
when the Swiss team scored a goal.
Franz has been in there for half an hour.
Mademoiselle?
When the perfumed peacock
had spread his tail flat on the floor
we took up our quarters.
I can't sleep for the smell in here.
I don't smell a thing.
It's you who smells! What's up with you?
Nothing.
My father calls this
"cherchay la famm". - What does it mean?
It's French, it means, there's a smell.
Doesn't it mean "look for the woman"?
Bullcrap. Tell that to your retard friends
Oh well, I gave it a shot.
Come on!
Let's get out of here.
I think they're asleep.
Where are you going?
To find the real Fritzli Bühler.
He'll be asleep. We'll find him tomorrow.
I know why he wants to stay here.
He loves girls!
Take that back! No way do I love girls.
You love girls. - You do!
While they argued for hours
about which was the real lover of girls,
night turned into day.
That's a dangerous scoundrel you caught.
Yes, and here are three more, to boot.
Darn it, where's Kathrin?
The train leaves in 20 minutes.
I forgot my backpack.
Well then, skedaddle!
I forgot my backpack.
Nothing else?
We're coming!
Got everything?
Tickets, backpacks, good spirits?
Change trains in Lucerne
and make sure that all your bikes
reach Langnau.
When you're next in Zurich, look us up.
Sure we will.
Thanks for everything!
You're welcome, you silly boys.
Come on!
What about my bike?
Do you want to go to the Emmental or
on adventures with Fritzli Bühler?
Missing: 4 boys! 15,000-franc reward.
Boys!
Sorry!
We're trapped!
Look, boys.
Nothing will happen to you.
We'll just take you to your parents.
Never!
One step closer and we'll jump!
Boys!
Don't make this hard on yourselves.
We had fun last night, right?
We'll swim over there! - No!
Come on! - No!
Eugen! Dammit! - I can't swim!
Come along now. Or we'll come for you.
But I've been to the pool with you!
But not at the deep end!
Stop!
Goddammit all to hell!
"The boys were last seen in Altdorf.
Industrialist Peter von Allmen,
father of the missing Sebastian,
is offering a 15'000 franc reward
for finding the children."
Like the treasure of Lake Titicaca.
15'000 francs.
I think my dad is serious.
I know how to get that money.
How? - You wait here.
I'll fetch the police.
You idiot. You don't get a finder's fee
for finding yourself.
But what if someone else found us?
The real Fritzli Bühler.
He can take us home,
get the 15'000 francs and
take off with us again. - Great, Wrigley.
No. There's no Fritzli Bühler in Zurich.
Sure there is. We just haven't found him.
We checked the phone book.
Only one Fritzli Bühler,
and we stayed with him.
Maybe he changed his name.
Then we'll never find him. You tell
all these half-true or made-up stories.
Because of you,
all of Switzerland is after us. - Relax!
Everything's fine.
Nothing's fine. We have no bikes, no
backpacks, and no food. Eduard was shot at,
Bäschteli's parents are worried sick.
Go ahead by yourself. I'm going home.
I'm going with you.
Go on! I'll keep looking
with Eduard.
Eugen is right. Bäschteli has to go home,
I'm going with them.
I'll go looking for him on my own.
Beat it!
By the time you find him,
mankind will have reached the moon.
W... where did they go? - Who?
The ones that stole my cap.
In the name of the post office: Well done!
I'm appointing you
Postmaster General!
What are you crying about?
I'm looking for... Fritzli Bühler.
The King of Rascals.
That Fritzli Bühler! He's a good
friend of mine and of theirs.
We're about to meet at the Beer Hall.
Ever had a beer?
Sure, more than one.
So you're from Berne?
Yes, and I also live in the house
where Fritzli Bühler used to live.
What was the deal?
A swig after every sentence!
Two sentences. Two swigs.
One, two, one, two...
One...
two...
I wonder what Wrigley's doing.
He's ringing every doorbell in Zurich,
asking for Fritzli Bühler.
Do you think he doesn't exist?
Sure he does, but not in Zurich.
What if something happens to Wrigley?
When's Fritzli coming?
Him? Any time now.
Heidi, another beer for Wrigley.
Yes! Another beer for Wrigley!
Beer, beer, beer.
Don't piss yourselves.
He could have come with us.
Maybe we left a bit too quickly.
Usually he's quicker than any of us.
Yes. Jumping into the river after you.
What'll we tell Wrigley's mom
if we come home without him?
She thinks we're his friends.
What next?
Fritzli took the chock from under the
chestnut-vendor's stall, it crashed into
a railing and sent the chestnuts flying.
Did Fritzli never tell you this?
No. And here's a really good one.
He never will.
Why not?
Because there is no Fritzli Bühler.
He doesn't exist!
And now about you, Franz Stalder.
Did you see how fast one can go?
A Rolls-Royce is not an Opel.
I don't usually floor it,
but my son is at stake.
I hope Bäschteli is among them.
Didn't he say on the phone?
No, just that they picked up 3 boys
with bicycles at the station.
A conductor noticed them.
He calls me and says:
"I've got those children."
I didn't catch on at once.
"What kids?" "The ones from the paper."
I hadn't read the paper.
Say l: "Paper?"
Says he: "The missing children from Berne.
From the front page."
I dashed down to the cafeteria.
Says I: "This is urgent. Hand me the paper"
They hand it to me. I take a look.
And then back to the phone.
"Stop them!" says I. "Detain them!
I'll send two men over."
They deployed, reported back to me
and arrested
the juvenile delinquents.
You haven't locked up these children
in a cell down here?
The cells are on the top floor.
I one of these brats sawed through
the bars and jumped out I'd have
to scrape him off the floor downstairs.
The children are in here.
In the heating room.
And why? It's warm and cozy.
If you sign a receipt, you can take them.
Here are your children.
Now, about this 15'000-franc reward...
This boy is worth 15'000 francs!
The only thing we have to do
is deliver you safely home.
We found a train that goes to Berne!
Wrigley, you bonehead!
Oh my gosh!
Let me go home!
No, we'll take you there.
Heidi, call a taxi!
Yes! A taxi! For Wrigley!
Where to? - To Berne, you cow!
We have to help Wrigley.
I haven't done anything.
Yes, you cry like a girl.
Like a girl with a square hairdo!
Hey, our bikes!
What the hell is going on?
Wrigley, run!
Ah, you've come, too!
The five of us can take the taxi.
Let him go!
What do you want, you hick!
Red alert!
I have everything under control.
Goodbye, Chief Constable.
So where are our children?
The Chief Constable said
he'd like to apologize for this faux pas.
Apparently we're not the only ones.
What does that mean?
That newspaper story brought on
350 reports from Central Switzerland,
250 ID checks
and the arrest of 60 boys.
The Chief Constable thinks
it's due to that 15'000-franc reward.
That happens when a fat cat gets involved.
The bigger the turd, the more flies...
Mind your language! - That's what happens
when money's no object.
Bäschteli is worth that much for me.
Enough! I'm going back to Berne.
These boys are bound to turn up.
A good mother can sense that.
You're right, Vreni. We're coming too.
Let them do as they please.
Is our child only worth 15'000 francs?
No, finding our child
is worth 15'000 francs to me.
Where's the difference?
It's too much! - Too much?
Yes, too much!
Who'll relieve me of those 3 spare kids?
Stop! I can't go on.
I'm sorry.
So am I.
Me, too.
And I can't do this without you.
We shall stand
united as a people of brats.
We won't let necessity tear us asunder.
We shall be cheekier
than our fathers would allow.
We'd rather go hungry than miss a prank.
The end
Come on! You've gotta see this.
FRITZ BÜHLER - TELEVlSION SETS
Well, Mrs. Bianchi,
here's your TV set.
A TV? Why?
Last week, your husband, Alfredo,
told me to bring you the new Halux 500.
That's our new state-of-the-art model.
My husband Alfredo died 10 years ago.
Bye, sonny.
You don't have to buy this TV. But you
want to watch TV from time to time...
News, nature programs, religious broadcasts
in Italian... - You don't say!
Even you have something to learn.
Whenever and for as long as you like.
How am I supposed to pay for this?
Let's make a deal.
I'll leave it here for 2 weeks for free.
Free?
Free.
Come in, I'll make you a cup of coffee.
Come into the kitchen.
Look at that: The Pope!
Mamma mia! The Holy father!
Now you won't be so lonely anymore.
What if Fritzli's on holiday
and won't be back for 2 weeks?
He wouldn't have left that TV set.
Maybe it's broken.
No, it isn't.
Now what?
End of the line!
Get out! Now!
Turn around. Hands up!
Are you... Fritzli Bühler?
It says so plainly on my van, you thief.
We came especially from Berne to find you
To steal a TV?
No.
We wanted to ask you...
where this treasure is. - What's that?
Let's see.
How is Auntie Melanie?
It's him.
It's him. - It's him.
It's him.
The King of Rascals.
A wondrous destiny was at work
in the dark corners of the universe:
Before the first man had set foot
on the moon
we set foot
into the house of Fritzli Bühler.
Enjoy.
Yum, mashed potatoes!
So you drive around all day
selling TV sets?
I set them up in people's homes
for 2 weeks for free. When I come back,
they're hooked and pay up.
And when the Halux 500 breaks down
after a month, I'm not in the phone book.
How much is a Halux 500?
999 francs.
That's not that much.
My big brother's TV cost 1'000.
My neighbor. He's a loony tune.
Bühler, I have a court order here.
I've already got that one.
You know you're not to cook after 9 p.m.
You've told me that 100 times.
Life on a campground
depends on mutual respect.
But you young people don't have any.
If you know all that,
why were you barred from the local
campground after 3 months?
And they didn't want you at the allotment
Says who? - Wiesendanger.
A square who thinks
you're too square.
Bühler, watch your step.
Tomorrow I'll go tho the DMV. Prepare
to surrender your license plates.
Even better:
I'll make sure
your sleazy home is junked.
That does it. Come on, boys.
Luckily, Fritzli had an emergency stash
of a sleeping potion brewed by the
Titicaca Indians for a covert operation
to drive the square out of Hauser.
And now?
Now Hauser was out of commission and
ready for the climax of our prank,
which we had worked out with Fritzli
in detail.
How to get rid of a square
1. Call Roberto
2. Procure plank
3. Bring plank
Attach chain
5. Extend crane
6. Raise square and...
...7. take him for a ride.
Roberto, thanks a million.
I'll take that to Genoa
and you give me that Halux 500.
Be careful, it's addictive.
To Genoa? - Close enough.
While Hauser was on his way
to an unwanted holiday, our own holidays
finally started as they should have.
We're never going home.
This was the best moment of our lives.
We had found Fritzli
and he hadn't become a normal grown-up.
That night, we and Fritzli became
a real gang and made plans
for what we'd do
with the Lake Titicaca treasure...
until the break of dawn.
Fritzli's gone!
Wake up!
What?
That's impossible!
What's going on? - Fritzli's gone.
Why?
I don't know. All his stuff is gone.
Maybe he moved house
and forgot to tell us.
Yes, and I bet he left his address here.
Hey, I found something!
A crocodile.
This isn’t just any old crocodile,
that's one that Fritzli shot!
What's that? - 4 first-class
tickets to Berne.
I think he wants us to go home.
And then we were on the train to Berne
without the treasure from Lake Titicaca.
Home to our parents, to school, the scouts.
But it won't be the same home,
because we aren't the same anymore.
We carry a treasure in our hearts
nobody can ever take from us.
This treasure, dear viewer, is what
you've just seen. You may ask:
Where was this treasure?
Was it this adventure or that one?
Was it Kathrin or Fritz Bühler?
Or was it?
What are you doing in first class?
Well, I don't know.
But it's there,
locked in our hearts,
and it will shine for us in the dark.
Even on the darkest of days...
Are you crazy, you idiot?
Do you know how much that clock cost?
Your chocolate mousse.
THE END
Stop! You'll want to know where Fritzli is
Will you go hunting in Peru?
Yes, on Lake Titicaca.
Crocodile hunting.
Ah, crocodiles.
Would you like a drink?
I'll have a Campari Soda.
THE END
No, there's something missing!
A whole year later...
Shall we?
See you later.
What about us?
Well, have you ever done it?
Lotsa times.
Will you show me?
You'll have to shut your eyes.
But so do you.
Bühler, on the camping...
Mates. This is our new ship boy.
Heeelp!
Police! Help!